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Who Do YOU Want to Be in Your Divorce?


Michele Lowrance, in her book The Good Karma Divorce, recommends finding and defining the person you want to be during your divorce.

Think about how you would want your children to remember you as during the divorce process. Define that person and make your divorce decisions from a strong sense of who you define that person to be. If you do that, you will make the best decisions possible regarding your children, finances, etc.

Oftentimes people say, “That’s great if two people can find the place to do that.”

Here’s a news flash… It’s not really necessary for both people to find that place. Sure, if you are the person that wants that, it’s great if you can convince your soon-to-be former spouse to act from that place as well, but if you can’t, these principles will still work for you acting by yourself.

The most important thing for your experience in your divorce is to find a place where you can act from your higher self and from a place that enables you to be the person you want to be.

Sometimes I think people feel like:

“Well, if I act from my higher self, then I’m sacrificing what’s most important to me.”


“This is the time. I’m going to stand up for myself, and so I’m going to just say, “No.” I’m not going to agree to work together to find a resolution that works for both of us.”

There’s a sense of vulnerability that surrounds that idea of taking the high road, but the real risk is taking the low road. The risk is to submit to the temptation to act spiteful or out of fear or desperation.

There is a way to identify what’s most important for you and to find a way to work together. Saying “No” is not enough. We can do better by ourselves and our children if we can find a way to honor ourselves and work cooperatively with our partner.

Follow these 3 steps to take the high road:

  1. It’s a challenge, and it can be very difficult, to have these kinds of conversations, so find some help. Maybe it’s divorce coaching. Maybe it’s therapy. Maybe it’s a good friend…
  1. Understand your circumstances, including your financial situation and your emotional situation.
  1. Find a process or method for negotiating with the other person that allows you to hold onto what’s most important to you; remember it; and then negotiate from that place.

Most of us, in order to identify and act as the person we want to be, need help and support. We then need to hold onto it and not feel bad about taking the time to honor ourselves without having it be about the other person.